Ramdom love ramble

There's so much more to life than just getting married or having kids,you spend so long dreaming about big white weddings & falling inlove ect I know i definitely have when I've been to ill to do anything. I also think I gave up on myself & decided that I'd basically just be in all day waiting for a guy to arrive home from work,I also think I thought that I'm gonna need constant care or looking after maybe rn I do alot of the time & maybe I always will (not this much but a little more than everyone else)

but that doesn't mean I can't stand on my 2 feet & do whatever I want because I don't give up even if I only do half the stuff I want I know I'll have done myself proud,I haven't finished school I haven't done even a quarter of the stuff people my age have but I've
done things they haven't mostly because they haven't had to  but its made me alot braver & stronger.

I always thought that I needed someone to tell me I was gonna be okay or someone to just be there & when I'm exhausted I still do but this year I've filled my mind with so many stories of incredible women or people with illnesses doing incredible things some real life stories,some fiction but it's helped a incredible amount.


I've never had a problem with hardly anyone,I've never been bullied,looking back I did face discrimination during my school years quite alot but I always surrounded by people who I knew cared so until lately I never really thought about it,I've never felt unloved or unwanted until I got to the point when I realized I was ill. After that I felt more unwanted than ever,I've written about this alot but I somehow created a fantasy land to help deal with real life.

As a kid you're only ever taught about fairytales where people get saved from bad situations & for years I guess I thought that would happen at some point of course I wasn't thinking it would be as simple as that but I did think that someone would be able save me just from being able to love me through all the bad stuff,the way my parents always have.

I guess you could say I'm now scared to love or even let myself admit to myself that I think a guys attractive because if do I most likely get crushed.


I don't need some guy to save me like I've been thinking I do for years I need my family & the tiny amount of friends I have because I know they do love me & always will. I'm positive that if I do need anything in years to come there's always going to be people who will care & look after me if that's family friends or family friends there's always gonna be someone there so unlike how I've felt the past year I'm never going to be alone,there's always gonna be someone there & I'm not any less worthy or loveable because I've got all these problems,It's just harder to find the right people who will understand. Bit that doesn't mean there isn't some guy who could.

Right now I plan to get better for me not anyone else,I plan to stop caring what people think because really doesn't help at all,I still plan to believe in the unreal & let myself get lost in fantasy stories because I love them,so I'm letting go of them.
& most importantly I plan to find myself & save myself whilst trying to help others along the way.

I'm not some damsel in distress needing a prince I'm a warrior just like all the other female warriors/activists that proved we don't need saving by men but if we stick together we can achieve anything.