Emotions during reccovery

I didn’t plan anything like this going into this series but the other day I ended up crying my eyes out when everyone’s social media posts just got to much.

I’ve always been a very emotional person but I’ve never been the best at letting out properly I think that’s why I try & write alot because I get so upset & mad writing clears my mind.

But I'm also very black & white even I'll admit that to me what’s right is right & what’s wrong is wrong there’s hardly any in between.

Anything that hurts another person in any way is obviously wrong & I feel very strongly about that I try to understand other peoples views & mostly I can but I also feel other peoples pain very deeply, I’m not saying I can completely feel how they do but I know I definitely feel peoples emotions alot deeper than most people do.

Also I know most people can watch the news & not think about stories hours days or even weeks later I really can't If anyone is reading this they are probably thinking what on earth is she on about & what does this have to do with recovering.

Well I believe that since I have been ill I have become more emotional & stepping into reality has made me more confused than ever. I don't understand most things,Ive also become a fighter so I now want to fight for everything I think is wrong but sometimes that works the other way around & makes me mad.



I think becoming ill has made me realize how unfair everything is I see so many sick people and question why it has to be like that why should innocent people suffer? Why should people have their entire lives taken away from them due to illness or anything & why should anyone live with any illness I can’t do anything about all of this & it makes me so upset

I'm slowly beginning to realize that there isn't anything I can do that will help & if there is I try to do it if I am able.

I want people to stop being so heavy & filling everywhere with depressing news, or pretending they understand how I feel about the world. Reality has made me realize how much the world sucks & not only how unfair my life has been but also the lives of others around me I would prefer to live  in  a make believe world but that also got taken away from me, I still cling onto it as much as possible  but most of the time it proves unsuccessful.



My point is please whilst I’m recovering have a little empathy & compassion have a little faith in me.

I do believe that all these emotions can be used for good but I haven’t worked out how yet but as I'm probably never going to be able to work full time I might try & do some charity work in my spare days so I feel like I'm being of a use and doing some good.

Ilness,reality&love during reccovery

I constantly say I'm done with love , I love with my whole heart & soul or not at all the fact that someone can completely rip your heart apart is something I really can't seem to get my head around I've always been surrounded by love no-one has ever not loved me & that's also my problem with reality my brain tells me that its because I'm sick although I've been ill forever but I'm more ill now & its the fact that that's what in the way i know that's not it & I also know that some people won't tear my heart to shreds or smash it into a million pieces into shards of glass falling into the snow only to be found when someone cuts themselves on one.

I also know that i need to stop being so scared of opening to people, I used to be able to tell everyone anything now I try not to. I’ve also just read that first bit back & even I think I’m quite over dramatic but this is how I feel so I'm going to write it that way.

For months after realizing that no one really cared that much I was watching Good girls revolt, lot of various other things on Sexual assault whilst also reading articles on it & of course you can't escape the news anyway so there was story’s popping up on there, I know things happen but I never took notice of it. I never turned around & thought about what was wrong or payed to much attention to it or to any news but to be truthful I think I wanted people to be evil I wanted a reason to feel more angry & upset than I was

I wanted a reason to still be crying & maybe even a reason to explain to myself why I still felt so sad which is weird because I knew why I was upset I don't think anyone sow that as deeply as I did.

I don't think anyone questioned it & if I'm honest I don't think people really tried to get it which is why I'm writing this so I don't end up looking like a psychopath (pretty sure I sound like one)

I still believe that really romantic love story's do exist, like the ones you see in films or read of in books, even though I might have tried I can't be led to believe that some people aren’t as nice as they seem as I know for a fact there isn’t anything fake about me. I am genuinely as nice as I seem no games played at all, I don't know how to lie I'm a terrible liar.

I know others lie or don't tell you the whole truth until its to late & you’ve already found out from someone else but I do think that I can't be the only person like myself to be alive on earth.

Going back to the reality side of things like I already said I honestly thought that all this rejection was because I was ill, its taken me a awfully long time to get my brain to come around to thinking that’s not the case, people who haven't lived what you have or something similar are not going to understand what you have been through or what you go through daily, for me there was a element of wanting someone to understand & thinking they did so I'd be okay but it was also a mixture of loneliness I think I wanted reminding that I would will be alright & I think I wanted to be convinced that when this was over someone would be there for me.

I convinced myself that not only would I somehow be saved because even if I had problems I'd be happy (not that I wasn't happy) I lived so much in my head &
I’ve fought so hard for everything I have so having to give up a fight made me want to give up everything else. So I did pretty much give up everything else because I couldn't see any point in putting up a fight for anything, to me reality sucked I was gonna be ill forever that was that.

The worst part after realizing all this is that I'd planned out my entire life places I wanted to go, things I wanted to see & so many things I wanted to do & experience to me after realizing I was ill no one of this was possible. I was wrong it is maybe in a completely different way to the way I imagined & with a lot more planning but I do think most things are impossible.

Someone once told me to do what scares me & although

I still struggle believing in myself sometimes &when I feel down I still have problems excepting all this  but after months & months I feel like I'm getting somewhere I'm beginning to except being ill & the fact that its okay because "those who matter don't mind,& those who mind don't matter" I’ve started a chronic illness IG account & joined loads of various FB groups, I’m watching more inspiring things rather than ones I know are gonna hurt cuz as much as I loved GGR I’m so sensitive it made me really angry at the same time.

I’ve also realized that I am recovering & I need to take time out for me, whatever I think I need I should do it, whatever makes me happy I should do it, I was petrified of reality & still kind of am,

Reality right now is being ill but it I can use it for good instead of feeling sorry for myself & I will get better maybe I won't be as independent as others but as long as there’s always someone around to help I'll be okay & all these crazy plans I had whilst living my lied life I can still do them, I thought about that before & started thinking I'd end up doing things alone, I don't have to not if I once again allow myself to let people in & believe that this time it will be okay.

I’ve started to believe again that I can do anything I don't need rescuing I'm not some damsel in distress, I’m not weak, I need my friends & family around me but I cam fight this alone & prove to everyone that it is possible.

I'm not sure all my life plans are completely possible but I'm figuring out a way to do the stuff I want in a way that caters for my disability’s nothings impossible & I'm not DISabled I'm as ABLE as anyone else I just need to do things in a slightly different way.


I have a lot of chronically ill friends who raise up when I need them, people who I will always try to help if I can, I know some amazing people. By standing with them we can make a diffrence,my biggest fear now is rejection but its taught me who I want to be, the people who live lives I need to be more interested in ,people to inspire to be more like. I now know what I need & what I don't & sometimes you have to loose things to get even better things.

Whatever happens I'd like to believe that it will all be okay in the end & if its not okay its not the end.

Reccovery,school& eduacation

So as this is a blog series about everything I’ve experienced during recovery I feel my education is a important factor of that. I know I probably talk/write about it to much but it's one of the biggest parts of my life & a issue that’s effected me a lot more than you would think.


My secondary school was absolutely shockingly awful at being to cater to my needs, When we realized I needed a emergency injection they refused to do it leaving me having to have time off because they wouldn’t do it.

Which makes it quite funny that they practically threw me out because of my attendance. In they stop trying to help & I only felt a handful of them I felt were really trying to help, the rest didn't seem to care.
I think to be a teacher you need to not be taught how to teach but you need to be taught empathy, I had some amazing teachers who I won't ever forget who I felt did understand & did what teachers are supposed to do, they helped me & encouraged me.

I remember the day I left school, I showed up & was told I'd left, I hadn't my mum had wrote a letter to the head saying I would leave before the last week of term. She obviously read it wrong anyway I had a million questions fired at me, then I got taken to a classroom to do a catch-up lesson, there were only a few in the class as the rest of the year were doing a science test but luckily I got to spend my last school lesson with a few of my greatest friends.

After that I went home not exactly knowing what was going to happen, mum spoke to the school who said they could add me back to the register but the damage was done they'd done what they had done so there was no point.
I celebrated leaving school by watching Rosie play in the park no fancy anything & the saddest part is that no one had been told I had actually left. My friends weren’t told & I’ve been told by my friends that most teachers didn't actually know.

After that I started being home schooled firstly doing small projects then eventually moving onto online short courses,

My best teacher has been me, I can teach myself in a way no one else has ever seemed to try, I know what I need & I think so many teachers don't really try to people individually they just categorize you, I never liked to think I was bottom even though I was if I was still in school I still would be but "if you judge a tortoise on its a ability to climb a tree it will forever live its life believing its stupid".

I'm a lot of things but I would also like to think I'm not a complete idiot regardless of what other people think.



Whilst at my brothers Uni graduation a few years ago some man got up & made a gigantic speech on the education system, how great it was & how much you needed a good education to achieve things in life. In his speech he used the words "Education is the key to success"

As you can imagine for the girl who had literally just been thrown out of school not long before this it was very hard to stomach, I cried alot that day, I was also in pain but to basically be told I would never achieve anything was a massive kick in the teeth, especially when I was trying so hard. When doing/planning these things people don't think about who might be listening or how it could effect someone I still haven’t forgotten that, I don't think I ever will.

I’ve thought about his choice of words alot,Ive also deeply thought about how people in the education system actually treated me throughout my life, teachers aren’t trained to understand students there simply just trained to teach them so most of the time there’s a gigantic gap between teacher &pupil

I'm not saying I never had a decent teacher, I know I never mention the good ones but I had some amazing teachers teaching assistants who did
want me to succeed & do well, these are the ones I won't ever forget & I hope that other people see how great they are at their jobs just as much as I did.

You need some sort of an education but if you can't learn in the same way as others that’s okay, if your ill & can't be at school as much as everyone that’s also okay, the lack of understanding from others isn't.
Most of the times I went into school in my last few years I probably shouldn't have been there & yet when I was there I was still expected to do tests on work I wasn't there to do in the first place.

When I was to ill for school, school sent work for Hospital education to do with me, I lost count of the amount of times I cried knowing they were coming as I knew just wouldn't be able to concentrate but again it was all about the government telling me I had to learn, I wanted to learn more than anything but I couldn't all I wanted on my worst days was to be left alone with no one trying to force me to do anything that I knew I couldn't even though I so desperately wanted to.

The whole education system is messed up, all a school wants is a perfect attendance to make them look good on paper, or for you to get top marks in everything so they get the best results overall.


I never really thought about it until I started looking back but my time in school came with a lot of things teachers wouldn't let me do at the time I thought it was unfair but never really thought to much into it I was just sad about it but carried on regardless.

One time that sticks out for me was in year 6 at our end of school play, I was super excited about this & probably way to optimistic but in my mind there was no reason I couldn't do it or anything I wanted to do, I was a tad shy but I thought by doing this it would bring me out of my shell, the worst part wasn't getting a bad part the worst part was that I'd recently found a love for acting & the art of T.V & film the worst bit was basically being told that I couldn't do anything like that I had no clue why people thought I wasn’t capable.
My parents, family & close friends have never put anything past me do I never thought about being judged, left out or discriminated as a child I now know I was & quite alot by the people who should have been boosting me up.

My year 6 year was the healthiest I ever remember feeling & sometimes I wish I could go back to then & let these people know how ill I was gonna get & how you have to give people chances when you can people younger than me had better roles than me another stab in the back.

Also why make me fill out a form on what I want if you don't care about it anyway I also got yelled at for sitting by the school hall door, I’m a chronic asthmatic it was to cold outside and I had to waste over a hour a night doing nothing, I know they could have axed me all together but to do that to someone just because of illness is pretty low. Its extremely low to discriminated against anyone but to a kid who just wants to be apart of something is even worse.

Same school same casting my little sister got 1 of the main roles & I feel like that was because she not had good grades another thing I lacked but she also had a good attendance from the start of school I didn't. This will always be one of the lowest points of my life & one where I personally feel I was judged the worst & discriminated against the most in my entire life a few months I won't ever forget.


There were so many times I felt excluded from my peers because I apparently wasn’t as smart as they were even if I'm not I know I’ve been able to make friends because of it & I’ve learnt a lot from people who have struggled to learn more than,Ive been able to learn how to help them as well myself which is something I'm so grateful I’ve had the chance to do.


Grades don't define who you are they may define who some people think you are but there’s a lot more to life than having a good eduction,I know a lot of people who struggle academically but there the nicest people I’ve ever known.

I know sometimes people use there jobs or schooling to try & make out they are better than you but I think as long as you know what’s important to you & never lose sight of what you want to change about the world, what you want out of your life & are able to be a decent person. In my mind thats all that matters

Writing,Reading&recovery (blog2)

I’ve talked about this alot but I wanted to do a blog on it as well, the other day I realized how many books I’ve brought & how many books I want to read & am annoyed at for not being able to read right now (even tho I'm reading other books).

For a long time I couldn't read at all, not even books aimed at 4 or 5 year olds any words spun out my brain, gave me hideous headaches, making me super frustrated &upset.
For someone who was a complete book worm this was the hardest thing in the world, this went on for about 3 years maybe even longer.

One of my consultant suggested audio books but I tried & found I was to ill to even listen to a book because my head was to scrambled up so no words in sentences made any sense as I got a bit better I managed a few small audio books of about 30 minutes long each so it was simple stories with not alot of story so I could follow it without any trouble, gradually I decided I wanted to move on to stories with more story to them.

As a child I read the first Hetty Feather book so knowing there was now a whole series of books I could get into I decided to give it a go, after years of no books in my life & endless tears of frustration from not being able to read or even listen to stories or go in book shops or a book isle of a shop I was actually having stories read to me.

This was a real turning point for me because that's when I feel in love with  books again, I completed & fell inlove with the entire series.

Since then I've managed to listen to tons of books all children’s books but books I never read as a child so I’ve not known the plot, I also completed the entire Narnia series & really loved it the only book I had problems with was the Hobbit as it wasn’t dramatized & there were so many characters but I got through it.

  I’ve also somehow managed to teach myself to read again i’m not sure how I did it so although I'd love to I'm not sure I could ever teach anyone else but I would love to try.

Now I can not only listen to books but I can also read them which excites me  greatly because I'm getting to imagine 2 separate story's that most of the time are  completely different.

I guess my point of this rant is to not ever take simple things for granted just because you find something easy other people might not or might have lost all ability to do the most simple of things.

My main goal in life since I was like 12 has been to write I don't think I'm the best the words are in my mind but at the moment I still struggle to write stuff that makes sense & my spelling &grammar isn't the best because I’ve forgotten most of it.

I get very frustrated sometimes because I’ve not been able to write for so long but I  think this has given me so sort of platform to work with, also here I am writing I also wanted to write this because one of the most important things is to own your story/journey either by writing, art of anything that captures or documents it.
I'm planning to write a blog on this as well at some point so I'm not gonna say everything I feel I could, by doing this it allows you open up so meany things & it makes you stop being so afraid of everything.

I also think it allows you to find people going through the same or similar things.

This blog started out as a Facebook post that I felt was to long to post so I saved it to my notes, this came to me after getting very excited about the next Hetty book &realizing that this series has been a massive part of my recovery.

This seemed appropriate to post this week as its book week&this is a post about books, I hope you guys have enjoyed reading about my book journey & the 2nd blog in my series of blogs about my recovery journey.