I constantly say I'm done with love , I love with my whole heart
& soul or not at all the fact that someone can completely rip your heart
apart is something I really can't seem to get my head around I've always been
surrounded by love no-one has ever not loved me & that's also my problem
with reality my brain tells me that its because I'm sick although I've been ill
forever but I'm more ill now & its the fact that that's what in the way i
know that's not it & I also know that some people won't tear my heart to
shreds or smash it into a million pieces into shards of glass falling into the
snow only to be found when someone cuts themselves on one.
I also know that i need to stop being so scared of opening to people, I used to be able to tell everyone anything now I try not to. I’ve also just read that first bit back & even I think I’m quite over dramatic but this is how I feel so I'm going to write it that way.
For months after realizing that no one really cared that much I was watching Good girls revolt, lot of various other things on Sexual assault whilst also reading articles on it & of course you can't escape the news anyway so there was story’s popping up on there, I know things happen but I never took notice of it. I never turned around & thought about what was wrong or payed to much attention to it or to any news but to be truthful I think I wanted people to be evil I wanted a reason to feel more angry & upset than I was
I wanted a reason to still be crying & maybe even a reason to explain to myself why I still felt so sad which is weird because I knew why I was upset I don't think anyone sow that as deeply as I did.
I don't think anyone questioned it & if I'm honest I don't think people really tried to get it which is why I'm writing this so I don't end up looking like a psychopath (pretty sure I sound like one)
I still believe that really romantic love story's do exist, like the ones you see in films or read of in books, even though I might have tried I can't be led to believe that some people aren’t as nice as they seem as I know for a fact there isn’t anything fake about me. I am genuinely as nice as I seem no games played at all, I don't know how to lie I'm a terrible liar.
I know others lie or don't tell you the whole truth until its to late & you’ve already found out from someone else but I do think that I can't be the only person like myself to be alive on earth.
Going back to the reality side of things like I already said I honestly thought that all this rejection was because I was ill, its taken me a awfully long time to get my brain to come around to thinking that’s not the case, people who haven't lived what you have or something similar are not going to understand what you have been through or what you go through daily, for me there was a element of wanting someone to understand & thinking they did so I'd be okay but it was also a mixture of loneliness I think I wanted reminding that I would will be alright & I think I wanted to be convinced that when this was over someone would be there for me.
I convinced myself that not only would I somehow be saved because even if I had problems I'd be happy (not that I wasn't happy) I lived so much in my head &
I’ve fought so hard for everything I have so having to give up a fight made me want to give up everything else. So I did pretty much give up everything else because I couldn't see any point in putting up a fight for anything, to me reality sucked I was gonna be ill forever that was that.
The worst part after realizing all this is that I'd planned out my entire life places I wanted to go, things I wanted to see & so many things I wanted to do & experience to me after realizing I was ill no one of this was possible. I was wrong it is maybe in a completely different way to the way I imagined & with a lot more planning but I do think most things are impossible.
Someone once told me to do what scares me & although
I still struggle believing in myself sometimes &when I feel down I still have problems excepting all this but after months & months I feel like I'm getting somewhere I'm beginning to except being ill & the fact that its okay because "those who matter don't mind,& those who mind don't matter" I’ve started a chronic illness IG account & joined loads of various FB groups, I’m watching more inspiring things rather than ones I know are gonna hurt cuz as much as I loved GGR I’m so sensitive it made me really angry at the same time.
I’ve also realized that I am recovering & I need to take time out for me, whatever I think I need I should do it, whatever makes me happy I should do it, I was petrified of reality & still kind of am,
Reality right now is being ill but it I can use it for good instead of feeling sorry for myself & I will get better maybe I won't be as independent as others but as long as there’s always someone around to help I'll be okay & all these crazy plans I had whilst living my lied life I can still do them, I thought about that before & started thinking I'd end up doing things alone, I don't have to not if I once again allow myself to let people in & believe that this time it will be okay.
I’ve started to believe again that I can do anything I don't need rescuing I'm not some damsel in distress, I’m not weak, I need my friends & family around me but I cam fight this alone & prove to everyone that it is possible.
I'm not sure all my life plans are completely possible but I'm figuring out a way to do the stuff I want in a way that caters for my disability’s nothings impossible & I'm not DISabled I'm as ABLE as anyone else I just need to do things in a slightly different way.
I have a lot of chronically ill friends who raise up when I need them, people who I will always try to help if I can, I know some amazing people. By standing with them we can make a diffrence,my biggest fear now is rejection but its taught me who I want to be, the people who live lives I need to be more interested in ,people to inspire to be more like. I now know what I need & what I don't & sometimes you have to loose things to get even better things.
Whatever happens I'd like to believe that it will all be okay in the end & if its not okay its not the end.
I also know that i need to stop being so scared of opening to people, I used to be able to tell everyone anything now I try not to. I’ve also just read that first bit back & even I think I’m quite over dramatic but this is how I feel so I'm going to write it that way.
For months after realizing that no one really cared that much I was watching Good girls revolt, lot of various other things on Sexual assault whilst also reading articles on it & of course you can't escape the news anyway so there was story’s popping up on there, I know things happen but I never took notice of it. I never turned around & thought about what was wrong or payed to much attention to it or to any news but to be truthful I think I wanted people to be evil I wanted a reason to feel more angry & upset than I was
I wanted a reason to still be crying & maybe even a reason to explain to myself why I still felt so sad which is weird because I knew why I was upset I don't think anyone sow that as deeply as I did.
I don't think anyone questioned it & if I'm honest I don't think people really tried to get it which is why I'm writing this so I don't end up looking like a psychopath (pretty sure I sound like one)
I still believe that really romantic love story's do exist, like the ones you see in films or read of in books, even though I might have tried I can't be led to believe that some people aren’t as nice as they seem as I know for a fact there isn’t anything fake about me. I am genuinely as nice as I seem no games played at all, I don't know how to lie I'm a terrible liar.
I know others lie or don't tell you the whole truth until its to late & you’ve already found out from someone else but I do think that I can't be the only person like myself to be alive on earth.
Going back to the reality side of things like I already said I honestly thought that all this rejection was because I was ill, its taken me a awfully long time to get my brain to come around to thinking that’s not the case, people who haven't lived what you have or something similar are not going to understand what you have been through or what you go through daily, for me there was a element of wanting someone to understand & thinking they did so I'd be okay but it was also a mixture of loneliness I think I wanted reminding that I would will be alright & I think I wanted to be convinced that when this was over someone would be there for me.
I convinced myself that not only would I somehow be saved because even if I had problems I'd be happy (not that I wasn't happy) I lived so much in my head &
I’ve fought so hard for everything I have so having to give up a fight made me want to give up everything else. So I did pretty much give up everything else because I couldn't see any point in putting up a fight for anything, to me reality sucked I was gonna be ill forever that was that.
The worst part after realizing all this is that I'd planned out my entire life places I wanted to go, things I wanted to see & so many things I wanted to do & experience to me after realizing I was ill no one of this was possible. I was wrong it is maybe in a completely different way to the way I imagined & with a lot more planning but I do think most things are impossible.
Someone once told me to do what scares me & although
I still struggle believing in myself sometimes &when I feel down I still have problems excepting all this but after months & months I feel like I'm getting somewhere I'm beginning to except being ill & the fact that its okay because "those who matter don't mind,& those who mind don't matter" I’ve started a chronic illness IG account & joined loads of various FB groups, I’m watching more inspiring things rather than ones I know are gonna hurt cuz as much as I loved GGR I’m so sensitive it made me really angry at the same time.
I’ve also realized that I am recovering & I need to take time out for me, whatever I think I need I should do it, whatever makes me happy I should do it, I was petrified of reality & still kind of am,
Reality right now is being ill but it I can use it for good instead of feeling sorry for myself & I will get better maybe I won't be as independent as others but as long as there’s always someone around to help I'll be okay & all these crazy plans I had whilst living my lied life I can still do them, I thought about that before & started thinking I'd end up doing things alone, I don't have to not if I once again allow myself to let people in & believe that this time it will be okay.
I’ve started to believe again that I can do anything I don't need rescuing I'm not some damsel in distress, I’m not weak, I need my friends & family around me but I cam fight this alone & prove to everyone that it is possible.
I'm not sure all my life plans are completely possible but I'm figuring out a way to do the stuff I want in a way that caters for my disability’s nothings impossible & I'm not DISabled I'm as ABLE as anyone else I just need to do things in a slightly different way.
I have a lot of chronically ill friends who raise up when I need them, people who I will always try to help if I can, I know some amazing people. By standing with them we can make a diffrence,my biggest fear now is rejection but its taught me who I want to be, the people who live lives I need to be more interested in ,people to inspire to be more like. I now know what I need & what I don't & sometimes you have to loose things to get even better things.
Whatever happens I'd like to believe that it will all be okay in the end & if its not okay its not the end.
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