Medical Tv shows books ,& films that have inspired me this year

I got a email about a month ago asking me if I wanted to delete my blogger, I then realized I haven't used it in months but I had no blog ideas then I thought of this,its a list of all the medical based shows,films & books that have inspired me this year, I also want to do a people/avent one but that will be after the new year as I have only just thought of it. Amyway plz enjoy my list

FILMS:

NETFLIX:A christmas prince: I think the title of this mostly gives it away but to sum it up after his dads death the prince goes off travelling to "find himself" no~one knows where he's gone or anything but he has to come back to claim the throne. So the kindgdom has a press comfrence for his return & loads of press come, only the prince doesn't show so one of the reporters sneaks into the palace pretending to be the princess's new tutor. She spends her time spying on the royals & starts writing a newspaper aticle to send off when she gets back home.
She also finds out a big family secret that could stop the prince becoming the heir & gas to find a way to fix it.

I loved this because it was the first time have ever seen a disabled princess,I also loved how she wasnt petied on & was pretty much allowed to do anything any other princess would do in her own way but not treated any diffrently,I also loved how we got to see her realtionship with the reporter because that friendship helped her so much throghout the film & sequel because any doughts she had she fixed.



Wonder:Wonder is the story of August a boy with facial differences who begins fifth grade at mainstream elementary school for the first time in his life. I really enjoyed this because again you get to see everyone elses point of view about Auggie's illness & not just his side of his story.


TV SHOWS:

Alexa & Katie:
I atually wrote a big blog on this & my love for it do instead of re writing it or parts of it heres the link https://www.blogger.com/u/1/blogger.g?blogID=4192252646603289566#editor/target=post;postID=6375938035549218001;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=1;src=postname


TDG: Theres not alot to say here I just really love the diversity of this show theres so much going on. Not alot of shows have disabled charcters or charcters with disabilities yet this has mutiple. I think its so important to give everyone some sort of voice & for eveyone to see themselves & this show does that better than any other.

KATY: The Katy series was based on Jaquline Wilson's book KATY that was based on what Katy did. Katy has a rope swing accident & ends up in a wheelchair,the show follows her journey for the next few months. My favrouite thing was how we got to see what was going on on her imagination as well as it atually showing her emotions through what she said or how she acted. I think it would of been better for them to have made it into a film instead of a few IPlayer episodes & I aldo think it could of been lonfer as the end seemed a little rused but over all I really enjoyed it.


MY LIFE& Living diffrently I love both of these because they show a variety of diffrent kids doing diffrent things regardless of ability or age


Inventing the impossible: This show was a joy to watch because you could tell all the inventors really wanted to help ,& were not just hierd to do a job they seemed like real people. The stories of the people they were inventing for were also always really well told & that was such a important part of the show,the things thr maanged to do with tbese inventions were incredable,it was such a jolly thing to watch.


BOOKS:


From a distant star: This follows the story of a alien who has crash landed on planet earth & a boy who is dying from cancer. To hide from the humans the alien gets inside the boys body cures his cancer & becomes him. But a team of Space scientists are tracking down thr alien so the alein uses the boys body as a disquies & convinces his gf to help him get back home.

This story wasnt very medical other than the cancer stuff at the begining but I really enjoyed it & wanted to make the list longer😂

Looking at the stars:I loved this because Lewis really captured what its likr to have a illness no matter how big or small that may be but in a positive way making you be able to laugh as well as cry.

Life Ramble

Lately I have been reallly getting into peoples life stories mostly celebrites or people I find intresting or inspiring.

I have recently finished reading "A girl behind dark glasses" a book written by a ME sufferer that I couldn't reccomed more. I'm going to write a review on it at some point when I feel I can find the right words. I have also just finished listening to Miranda Hart's biography "Is it just me"? after reading/ listning to both books I came to a realization that I haven't grown up the way other people my age have mostly as I haven't had the chance.

Until about 2 years ago I thought eveyone loved me not because I thought I was great but I had a very safe childhood I've never been deprived of love. I was such a innocent child inside being honest with you I still mostly am. I lived in a saftey bubble of my own world nothing matterd even being ill I could take myself off & make stuff up. Eveyone was innocent I wasn't one to watch the news,the bubble I had put myself in was one of safty but not only that when I got sick I didnt dwell on being ill or think it was a problem I just made stuff up. Stuff that in my mind had to & would happen no matter what else happend.

What I told myself was that "Youre ill but somthing good has to happen to make up for it" the thruth was that I had this imagination & atimately I belive it made me insane but I was so happy inside my head that it didn't matter that to eveyone else I looked really creepy. I also didnt think I looked odd at the time making the whole thing more odd.

One of my biggest fears & what I would say still is was being left not that I would be but I belived in would so inside my head I was in the future married because if I had love Id be fine atleast my brain thought that.

Anyway I realized I was doing completly the wrong thing had a brakdown for a few months over how my life was all wrong & how all men hated me. (tbh this is somthing that happens way to much especially when I feel really ill)

At that time is when I started to realize that not eveyone is gonna love me or even like me at all. I started looking back on my life & realized how many people have given up on me or rejected me for whatever reason to me it was because I havent ever been exactly normal I was ill then & Im worse now. I wont ever be a healthy person I started to realize this does have big impacts on my life as well as where my life goes not only now but also in the future.

I started to wonder why it was me or what I had done wrong. I watched good girls revolt & as much as I loved it I think I forced myself to watch it to scare myself so I never got close to a guy ever again. I'm also now super freaked out eveyone hates me I couldnt work out where any of this came from even though I have been trying for the past few years.

I now belive it comes from not having a teenhood that was normal because I went from innocent kid & the thought eveything happens the way you want it to or works itself out to falling inlove,crashing & burning. I havent seen normal realtionships only ones on T.V,books or films I havnet had crushes other then ficotinal ones or celebrites & I think that has a big impact. Also I only watch kids films where happily ever after happens everytime noone is ever left on unloved by whoever it is they love (apart from that scene when Hans leaves Anna to die). I know nothing about anything love wise at all. I can honestly say I have no clue same with teen partys getting drunk ect I have no idea what its like to be a normal teenager.

upon reading "A girl behind dark glasses" I realized I probably thought all this because I felt so alone my child like mind belived in eveything my head told me. I belived I'd get better or that somthing would happen to make all the pain I felt okay. Life isn't like that at all the really world isn't that great people get hurt, killed commit crime ect.... there is alot of good but also so much bad stuff that I now cant unsee or ignore.

Seeing the thruth for me atimately means that I wont fully recvover from ME because only 5 percent of people do.

I might get better than I am now but I probably won't ever be normal right now I don't see myself ever moving out, if I can ever work it'll be a few days a week & I probably won't be doing what I want to, right now it all seems impossible.

But I do want to give chronically ill teens or even adults that chance to meet eachother, a chance to grow up because learning all the stuff I did the way I did dosnet seem right. I also want to let them be eduacted in a safe place where there is no judgment or no care about attendance. I want to let them sleep of they need to or to see them happy with no pressure surrounding anyting they do.

I would like to point out half of this was written in a super upset sate of mind one where I was super confused about life at about midnight I have thought about all of this an awful lot since especially after Miramda Hart's book on her own life. Its also good to learn about other peoples life directions because the world pushes so much for ceartian life mile stones or things that should be completed at certain times.

Having been so ill I have done hardly any of these,these things mostly being education based such as exams ect... at 14 I had my life planned out with all these milestones in it on getting ill the carer & school stuff was ditched for just marrige upon realizing I was ill until now I had no clue of the direction of my life I still don't but I do know all these lists are utterly stupid & I won't be taking part in them.

For a start ive missed the school stuff at the right age anyway im 19 Ive never been on a date Im not working or planning to anytime soon (because I can't otherwise I would love to get a job)

I just don't doing eveything in the order eveyone expects you to & there's no pint in stressing about it right now most things are to much I don't see myself I a realtionship anytime soon i've only been inlove once but it completly destroyed me right now I'm not ready to put myself through that again as its way to stressful & casuses way ti much pain & suffering. but I do plan to try & do more charity stuff.

I also want to do resurch into diffrent medical conditions going on to hopefully write short medical childrens books about kids going into hopsitals.

I would also like to write Childrens fantasy stories but based around medical conditions because I don't feel like there is enough of this kind of thing around. illness can be very isolating especially if you dont understanf or only partly understand. I also still want to set up my school for chronically ill children,teenagers& maybe even young adults.


One of the key things is to keep busy I know what its like when you feel like you cant keep busy youre either going to get depressed or find ways to keep you happy but most likely the wrong ones.

So in summary as this seems to be extrenly long I have learnt or realized what I suposse I already knew nothing has to be done the way most people do it. I somtimes wonder what the point is in trying if I seem to have failed eveything I have ever tried the thruth is I haven't people have failed me I havent failed them Ive put 100% into eveything I have ever done or tried.

That's got to be worth somthing. I have realized that I need to stop getting so freaked out about older life noone expects anything of me but Im used to expecting way to much of myslef. I hate my imagination for the way I feel its betrayed me but of I can use it for good then I can turn that around. I also need to stop thining people care about me as much as I care about them,most of the time they probably don't but whatever happens I know I can't give up on what I want which right now is making sure sick kids know they arn't alone.

So right now all that matters is getting better & having fun eveything else causes to much stress.

Netflix original Alexa & Katie

I said I'd never do reviews again after my massive 3 series Hetty Feather review but this show really stood out to me. Alexa & Katie follows a girl who has recently got a cancer diagnosis & her best friend. It starts with the main character Alexa getting ready for her first day of high school after spending summer in the hospital receiving chemo & other cancer treatments.

I look out for medical shows that I know I will be able to relate to,even though I don't have cancer I did feel like I could relate to this in alot of ways what I also really loved was that it showed alot of sides of stuff that I didn't think I was going to see. You get to see Alexa's emotions but also the emotions of her best friend Katie as well as Alexa & Katie's familys.

I also felt that it was really important to be able to be able to cry one minute then laugh the next.  This show shows how important it is to have one really close friend or a close group of friends & that you don't need tons of friends to be there for you. Katie's protection & love for Alexa was definitely something that I feel needs to be shown on screen more often all the things Katie does for Alexa are so sweet (EG:Shaving her head,Trying to get on the basketball team,auditioning for the play ect..)

Its easy to forget about  your friends when they become sick alot of people forgot about me & contine to do so.I know that they probably never think of me now or if they do i am probably  just labbled the sick girl.       

There's so many shows where you see the parents or siblings within them but you never get to know what they are thinking all feeling,I think its important especially in shows aimed at teens to also see adult relationships as well as teenage ones. I also think that its important that younger children's views are also put across. Kids have a innocence that often gets lost when they become teenagers or start to go into adulthood.

Getting back to the actual illness Alexa,Katie & the hospital kids took it upon themselves to have fun whilst in the hospital again something really important as this shows how you can have fun despite being ill & having all their problems it also showed the hospital support group which again I wasn't expecting to see but it was done so well & felt realistic.

I felt the school scenes were unrealistic but then I realised that I had based that on my own school experience,I don't know what happens in other schools I know alot of people I have spoken to have had bad school expirences but is that because people understand so little about ME & alot more about cancer? Or are there understanding schools out there? It made me realize that not everyone in the school profession can be as nasty as they are in my head or want to see you fail as much as I felt my school wanted me to fail,seeing this has given more faith in people.

On the subject of school we come to Dillion I also thought this was way to unrealistic again I based this solely on my own experience not others its not secret that I love to hard & always seem to love the wrong people. Dillon tutors Elexa for about 6 months ish before asking her to the dance she says no even though she wants to go because she thinks he is only doing it because he feels sorry for her. This is something I feel alot of the time not just with guys but with family & friends or anyone who says they care I think it's just a act.

Dillon does want to go out with Alexa & they end up planning to go to the dance together then there's a flu outbreak at the school so Alexa can't go but Katie goes to the hospital gets antiviral masks & makes everyone wear one to the dance witch they all do. Again this shows how much power people have if they all come together & how much even the smallest thing can make the biggest difference to someones life.

I can't imagine anyone at my school doing anything like that or anything at all really but I know alot of people would. Dillion & Alexa was great you can't make a teen shoe without having love stories within it but again somehow this show managed to give me back my faith in the world by showing me that illness isn't the end of the world, that you can be loved just like anyone else & normal things can happen to you despite all the things that don't happen in your peers lives.

Alexa wants to do things without cancer being able to ruin her fun but realises how to have fun even though she is sick. I cried multiple times at this show but I also laughed & reflected on my own life an awful lot I know season two is being filmed right now but I'm not sure how they can top season one but I do know I'm already looking forward to it 

 

Note to younger self

I wrote this for a book that a website is making but I decided that as I'm not sure when the book will come out or if I will even be in it I might as well upload it here as well the aim of the piece was to write about what you wanted your younger self to know,I had a few people read this before sending it off and I'm quite happy with the outcome. As I've already written about I'm 5 years ahead of the average age to get ME so mine is probably going to be a lot different from most other peoples. I really enjoyed writing this and I would also like to make a similar thing but for my future self anyway... here it is:

First things first I want you to know that you & only you have the power to save yourself without the help of others I also know that even though people don’t understand that doesn’t mean no one ever will, you are worthy of love so stop letting people make you think you are not. You have the ability to get through this and there will be light at the end of the tunnel,
You don’t need what you think you need to be okay, I know you feel like you have lost everything but there’s no use  clinging onto what isn't real, You’ll be okay on your own & for a start your not on your own because there’s so many people who care about you.
I know alot of people don't understand or even try to understand what is going on but there’s nothing you can do to make them get it or to make them want to listen to you & I know you will lose alot of friends but you will also make better friends with more intresting,kinder people than the ones you already know.


You are going to feel like you have been rejected alot & like you are a outcast but I want you to know that its there loss not yours, I know you are going to feel unwanted but again that's everyone else’s loss not yours.
I also want you to know that illness doesn’t have to define you even though you might feel like it is.
It doesn’t have to be all bad. You don't have to let it break you, if you let it, it will make you a better person also when you start to feel bad because you can't help everyone remember you can always help someone & never lose sight of what you want or who you are because at the end of the day that's the most important thing.

What's next?

I've been starting to feel alot better lately but it struck me that I've been ill for so long that I didn't know who I was anymore,I slept for pretty much 2 years & that's no exaggeration then I started getting better a bit but I still couldn't so much. Lately I've been up at night because my brain is to active to sleep I never thought that would be happening again. I've been reading an awful lot at night to make myself tired enough to sleep which does work but for someone who's been so exhausted its hard to understand.

I started thinking about who I was who I used to want to be & tried to figure out who I wanted to be now. Its sad but I pretty much pressumed I'd feel as ill as before forever so there wasn't much point in planning anything also everytime I've planned in the past has gone wrong so  whole idea of planning anything was something I tried to think little about.

Its hard to think anything is ever going to happen when you can hardly get out of bed but  I was getting bored with doing the same things over & over so I started thinking about what I used to do.

I never thought I'd have to do that again either when I was younger I wrote alot of fanfictions again something I tried to put to the back of my mind I found my old whattpadd along with a fanfic from 2015 that was never complete so I decided to change it up & see if I could make something out of it.

People have been so nice about it even reading my old stuff & commenting on that as well the story isn't all there & pretty basic but the fact people are enjoying it means everything. After not being able to read & write for so many years writing scared me for such a long time. I started blog writing,that I plan to continue but Fanfiction is when I'm really in what I feel is my element it gives me more joy that most things do.

My biggest passions are T.V/Film,writing,reading & spreading awareness (for many things but mostly ME)

My sort of plan I dont want to make a definite one because I never know what my health will do.  I dont think my health will get any worse but I do know that I still can't do much so I need to be careful with what I do & don't do. 

Right now I want to keep reading & writing a much as possible, I also want to  work on my grammar & spelling because Its quite bad after not having wrote for years. 

I'd also like to find some sort of volunteer work to do at some point if I feel like this would help me mentally because I'd feel like I was doing something for someone & that would lift my spirits up      

I also want to take a performing arts course or something similar at some point I've done a few online film courses bit its not the same as doing it with a group of people doing exactly the same as you.

I think if I'm ever able to work I would have to do a part time job somewhere as I don't think I will ever be able to work full time. I'm hoping to find a part time job in something I enjoy rather than something I don't I'm not exactly sure what I would want to do but there's plenty on time to figure that out.

I don't know what's going to happen to me but I do have some sort of idea of what I want out of life raising awareness for ME is one of my top priorities so hopefully I'll find a way to do that some how & I hope that whatever happens the person I was when I got ill would understand why things don't happen the way you want them to. I don't expect alot of myself & I don't think anyone else really does but if I can make myself proud to me that is all that counts

Goodbye Once upon a time

Effects of ME

In my last blog I wrote about ME & how I wish people would try to understand it better. To understand you must be educated so I’ve decided to make a list of my ME symptoms & some of the feelings I have experienced during this journey. In hope to educate anyone who might read this. but I would like to point out everyone is different & these are just the symptoms & feelings I have experienced or still do

♡Light & noise sensitivity: This is pretty self explanatory, I'm talking about any light or noise especially very bright lights & really loud noises. Neither one is as bad now but in order to cope with this I do sometimes have to use ear defenders, look away or close my eyes to avoid discomfort. This also means I can't go to concerts or anything of the sort like most people my age do.

♡To much noise: On the subject of noise I'm also not very good with more than one noise at once so people talking whilst the TV is on really bugs me or any multiple noises at a time really stress me out

♡Pain: the online definition of chronic pain is any pain that last longer than 3 months that can become progressively worse & occur daily.

I'm in constant pain 24/7 some days are worse than others,somtimes I can be up all night with it & its still as bad during the day, I do things on a pain level that most people wouldn't dare get out of bed on but I cant lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself, I have to make myself do things or I'll feel worse
Its also not just one pain at once but lots of pains all feeling different in completely different parts of my body
There isn't a definite cure for pain, pain killers work short term but I’ve also found that Heat & Ice work really well for me as well as various holistic treatments & oxygen therapy that I have once a week.


♡Fatigue: Again for me this isn't just tiredness its pure exhaustion I can spend hours or days asleep but I don't wake up feeling refreshed I wake up feeling worse than I did before. its also makes you completely weary & out of it as if you have a hangover.

♡Friendships & Loneliness: Not being able to get out & seeing the same people day in day out makes you feel really trapped people also stop inviting you to stuff because you always cancel.

Its not my fault I always cancel on people, I'd like them to still invite me so I feel thought of. I get very lonely sometimes no one really gets how isolating illness can be.
So many friends forget about you & move on it makes no sense to me because I'm constantly making sure everyone is okay so I never understand why it does not also work the other way.

♡School/Education: Ive spoken about this alot but T.K were absolutely dreadful with they way they delt with me. they just gave up & its clearly had a massive effect on me because I'm constantly blogging & talking about it. I also have school related dreams alot so that’s obviously connected.

One of the biggest things I feel towards my education is that everyone no matter what ability or illness deserves to be educated & not given up on & also that not having completed my education makes me less worthy than others even though it really doesn’t. I also feel stupid because of this alot of the time, it also means that if I do ever want to do higher education I will have to do my GCSES older than 16 which is kinda weird to think about doing at a older age than normal.

I also know alot of people have had similar experiences with school so its always something to be wary of

♡Migraines: Migraines usually start in one part of your head then spread its as if there is a tiny person is inside your head setting it on fire.

♡Boredom: I have always got really bored even when I was well, Ive never been able to focus on one thing. I have to have multiple things going so having nothing going on really gets to me. I can't sit & watch TV all day it just irritates me after a while.
my need to learn has meant I’ve spent most of the time at home on the sofa watching shows on the law or fines do I now know alot of information that I don't really need to.

I also went through a faze of making alot of stuff up to entertain myself but you need to be really careful not to get to carried away & I did so that caused me many more problems.


♡Seeing others do stuff I cant: This is a massive one, in a way it comes into friendships but seeing other people be out having fun & living life sometimes really upsets me because I know I can't do any if the things they are doing. its really hard to watch people live life when you are stuck in one place in horrendous amounts of pain with nothing ever changing.

As I come to the end of my gigantic list

Another really obvious thing that needs to be mentioned is being allowed to sleep & not get woken it sounds so obvious but if I get woken up whilst fast asleep there is little chance I will fall back to sleep because the pain will probably kick in & make everything so much worse for me to handle. Then there’s little to no chance of me sleeping at all.

I hope this is helpful to people, I know there’s other things people face but these are just the ones I have had the most difficulty with.

My ME diaagnosis and how I feel about the world surrounding it

When I got diagnosed with Chronic fatiuge syndrome it was explained to me what it was & a plan was put in place to try to get my better in all fairness to the consulatnt he was amazing. He even showed me a picture of my brain compared to someone without MEs brain which was really intresting & Iv'e also shown members of my family that picture in conversasions about my condition.

It's not easy living in pain & being exausted all the time I hate resting its my worst nightmare in my opinion it is the devil in discuise.

The doctors put me of a rehabilitation proggramme for the ME, I started doing really well at the start the dr said because of my will to get better I had been able to get better faster than most people he's ever seen. But then winter came knocking me back,Iv'e now completed this rehabilitation programme so many times,Iv'e sucseesed so many times but fallen back so many times.


It gets very frustrating because I try so hard to get better but only ever seem to go backwards I can read & write now & spend alot of time doing that when I can but I feel like there's so much surrounding ME that noone talks about like the lonlieness of being trapped between four walls every day for months or even years on end.

Not getting out in the fresh air is never good, you need fresh clean air as much as possible but that is impossible if you can hardly move & can't even go for a drive around in the car because your to tierd to move.


I have really struggled with bordom a awful lot I have fandoms but they've also worked the oposite way & made me feel worse because I got to attached & that isn't ever a good thing either.

As much as this helped its also caused me so many extra problems I think what is needed in diagnosis or when a dr takes over your care is ways you can distract yourself or things you can do that don't involve much effort so they are possible to do on the most awful days.

They don't give you any of this even if you enjoy T.V & films alot your gonna get bored of them theres only so much stuff you can watch its also not good for you to look at a screen foe to long.

What also bugs me is the amount of competitions on daytime T.V theres alot of competitions on T.V but daytime TV id by far the worst its not just that but also the bingo adverts. I'm pretty sure if I was any older & had this condition I could quite easily get into all thesse gambling or bingo sites as I'm really bored all the time & want some excitment just like anyone else.


I also feel if you have just become ill & maybe had to give up work,live alone & are stuck in alone all day with hardly any income it would appeal to you quite alot. This could lead to addiction then maybe even eventally get so badly addicted you end up in  rehab having to get help, you could losse your home or get into serious debt, on top of all your other problems.

What annoys me most about this & I suposse its the same for any illness but these adverts & competitions are aimed at people who at at home bored & have little income there getting you hooked because they want money they don't care about you at all.

I think people should be given links or information on support groups instead of having to find them for themselves, groups should be set up for people to meet others going through the same thing this way people would feel less isolated & alone beacuse its easy to feel like you are. Everyone needs social interaction but its hard when you feel noone undertands you or your situation. If youre around people who are going through the same this isn't a issue.


I also belive that overall people need to be more understanding, what my school did to me in any circumstances isnt okay & Ive spokenn to alot of people whos schools have done similar things which again isn't okay I would love to somehow work within schools or with them to somehow help them understand ME or to somehow work with them because noone should be treated the way I was all they need is a little more understanding or to be taught how to handle it.

I don't belive I can change the world but I do belive the world needs to change people need to become aware of cetain things that impact others even ones withot illnesss & I'd like to think that in the future people will be more understanding & stop seeing people as numbers,stats or just another patiet people need to look deeper into peoples lives than they do.

You never know what people are going through & it takes hardly any time at all to try & think about how to hwlp make someones life easier,its mostly people in power who won't see people as atual people like the goverment schools or hospitals alot needs to change but I somehow hope it can.

How I feel about beating the avreage age to get ME by 6 years

Quote from a article I read about ME the other day said   "What cannot be agreed, however, is what type of treatment is appropriate for this debilitating illness, which usually develops when people are in their early 20s to mid-40s."  I'm six years under the normal age range to get ME Firstly nothing they use to treat ME really works it only partly works then you get but
I’m not sure how I feel about beating the average age by 6 years, in way the older you are the more you have to lose but atleast you have a education or most of one I suppose if you do then you get to ill to use it you are gonna feel like it was all pointless

I thought writing about this might help me out because I don't know how to feel  or how I should feel.

I have spent all my teenage years asleep the years that are supossed to be the best years of your life,they really havent been watching everyone out partying hanging out,learning to drive or just getting on with life when you can hardly move is something you never think you will have to experience especially at a young age.

At least if you are older you have a full education, I've got noone of that apart from primary school years and half the time I wasn’t there. But what's worse being older & having a job kids & a husband then one day waking up not being able to do anything or going from thinking about all that to watching other people grow up around you? I think about what I have alot & what I want I wanted at 14 before diagnosis I’ve come to the conclusion I probably way to much.

Everything I want goes wrong somehow especially since after turning 14. One of my favourite quotes is "the Devil does not come to you as a red man with a pitch fork but disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted" I'm not sure that’s the exact quote bit its something along those lines I'm pretty sure this is true but my problem is that I plan to much I get excited way to easily & most of the time its not a good thing because I get really upset when things don't happen.

I want to study or work more than anything I always have a I think maybe that's where I went wrong wanting to much knowledge if that is even possible.

There’s so much I can't do that others my age or people younger than me can & that bugs me a great deal. I suppose if you do have a job & then get sick you would lose your work friends  like I lost most of my school friends & I suppose if you can't get out you lose all your friends anyway but are adults more understanding than teens? wouldn't that depend on the person? I suppose if you have no experience of illness you won't understand.

its always the people around you when it comes down to it however ill you are if you get ill you find out who your real friends. I don't have alot of friends bit I know who will be there when I need them people leave but you have to remember that its them missing out you & you aren’t to blame.

In a way its kinda good I’ve skipped the getting hungover from partying stage of my life although I don’t think I would have done that even if I was well the worlds a cruel place & I’ve learnt that the hard way illness has changed me.

in summary I have no idea what is worse
but maybe all the things I’ve missed out on can happen when I'm older no one is really expecting much of me so its not as if I'll let anyone down & I’ve already decided that when I am better I'm taking a year or 2 out to just go & do whatever I want because if I'm going to study or do anything it needs to be something I enjoy or something I'm really passionate about  to make up for lost time.

I'm just really hoping at some point I will be able to do some of the things I really want to do even if they have to be changed a bit to suit my needs.

My Insperations

Everyone inspires me well I try to find something inspiring in every person I meet, everyone has a story & I’m lucky enough to know so many people with so many interesting story’s.

My biggest inspirations come from people who no matter who they are what they have been through or where they come from. People who do things regardless of age or what they know they cant do or face daily challenges yet they still have the guts to help others & make a difference to the world.

I thought this would be a interesting topic to write about as I have so many amazing friends & idols so here goes, I’m going to start off with fandom related ones then move on to others.

One of my biggest inspirations right now is Jennifer Morrison, Jen doesn’t only seem the nicest person to meet she’s always trying to help a cause somewhere, she also battled skin caner so for someone going through a illness its really inspiring to see how much she has done and she made me realize that it doesn’t matter how old you are  to what you have done in your life compared to everyone around you.

I cant mention Jenifer without mentioning the rest of the once cast, they’ve all inspired me in 1 way or another, I think its really important to have idols who are older than you because they have experienced things you haven’t.

Rose Reynolds has taught me not to be so serious and to stop caring what people think, Colin O’donughue makes me believe that there is good in the world. Both Lana Parrilla and Rebecca Mader have taught me the beauty of friendship. Emma Booth has made realize how positive thinking really does work. Emilie De Ravin has taught me to enjoy everything around me.

Josh Dallas and Ginnifer Goodwin have taught me that true love really does exist but

most importantly Alison Fernandez has taught that age isn’t a barrier, to throw yourself into anything that interests you. This is the most important one as she’s so young.

Talking of young people the amount of young teenage actress’s' are incredibly fearless these people will stand up for anything obviously these girls have got confidence or they couldn't do what they do but it's made me think about me at that age I had no clue about anything going on the world let alone to actually speak up about it, I have lived in bubbles my entire life I’m not exactly sure why but I do know that until lately I had no clue about anything (I still don’t about most things)

I only started living in the real world last year, If I’m honest I’m no best at sticking up for myself or stating my opinions mostly because people disagree then start arguments. I’ve got enough going on without all that so I don’t bother.

To me for someone to be able to have the guts to say no this is wrong to not be afraid of making it right & to be able to face up to the worlds problems being so free & open about it no matter how big or small the problem is amazes me especially so young.

These girls have more bottle than grown men & I don't know if its just based on what they feel is right or if its something else that’s made them this way, its probably just down to confidence.

The main people I’m talking about here are the ANNE (Anne with a E) main girls,Rowan Blanchard, Isabel Cliffton,Isabel Allen, Polly Allen,Kia Pegg ,Annabelle Davis, Mia MBruce, Emily Burnett and I’m sure there are more but I’m terrible with names so I cant think right now.



Another 2 who are older but I feel I should mention are Genevieve Angelson and Emma Watson, I found Genevieve’s instagram after watching Good Girls revolt her IG is filled with positive inspirational quotes, this makes me really happy whenever I seen her posts but she’s also a activist and its really inspiring to see all the things she gets up to.

As for Emma she’s also a massive activist, she writes some amazing speeches but is also  able to give really powerful deliveries of them. Emma is also someone who not only fights for what’s right but is also a really hard worker which I look up a lot to alot as I feel I also am.

One of my recent inspirations is Lisa Swallow a author who also suffered ME when she was younger, the main reason for this is because right now most of the time I don’t feel like I will ever achieve anything or do anything at all. So its amazing to see someone achieving their dreams. Im also a massive writer so this makes me really happy, its obvious to see she sometimes struggles but is obviously  able to have some sort of normal life as well.

I can’t mention inspiration’s without mentioning Lewis Hine, Lewis has been through so much  but still finds the time to help others despite his daily challenges its also really good to see people sharing their stories and spreading awareness for their disabilities.  I also cant mention Lewis without mentioning all the incredible people I follow online who have accounts for their illness’s. These people inspire me everyday in so many ways and any parents doing the same thing including my mother.

There are probably a lot more people I could mention in  this but I also think I also covered a lot of what I could say here in my Fandom blog, there isn’t really I need for this blog I just thought it would be fun to think and then write about.

How Fandoms have helped me during recovery

For someone who spends most of her time at home I pride myself on not over watching television, as I think most people if they found themselves in my situation would watch alot more films and T.V. I’m also sure that some people without chronic illness or any illness watch more stuff than me on a daily basis, I hate resting in my opinion its the devil in disguise telling me I cant do anything useful or anything at all when I so desperately want to do something but T.V,films & fandoms have helped me immensely with distraction & weirdly make me feel useful, films & books have the power to take you somewhere else, the power to make you believe in the in the unbelievable. For someone who lives a lot of her life in pain being taken to another world even only for half a hour is even more powerful to be able to escape reality for a bit. Audiobooks gave me back my imagination because I’ve been able to play stories out in my head even when I cant read so it gets my brain working even on days when I cant do much.

Being able to make friends with people all over the world who like the same T.V shows and films as me has also been a great distraction having people to get excited about is always fun even being in small ransoms and doing it alone is also great fun.  Being housebound means you don’t get a lot, you have little fun see the same people day in day out to be able to have excitement over something even something small like a TV show getting picked up or getting another season or films getting released  becomes a massive deal. My faverouite thing to do right now is to try to watch films before there sequels come out, read or listen to books before watching their films. Its given me a massive reading/listening list but that excites me more than anything.

 I got to the point of not being able to write but I found I could make art.

I started with actual posters then moved on to try to create my own posters which gave me a lot of joy as well as also giving me something to do, its also something I would like to take further if I ever get the chance. I’ve also done quite a lot of lyric video editing again not only giving me something to do but I really enjoy doing it. I’m also hoping to take that further,Iv’e done all this alone and off my own back experimenting with different things to see  what works. I know what works now but its very simple so I would like to make it more complicated and make them more  interesting as some of them are quite boring to watch so with my next ones I plan to do more experimenting and see if I can better myself in any way.

it’s not just the films & T.V its the people in them or who work on them, I have tons of idols all for different reasons, the  internet gives you power to watch interviews & find out things that you wouldn’t have been able to do years ago.

Watching Celebrities live videos or youtube videos allows you to get to know them & it also gives you the power to be able to have your art noticed by the people playing your favourite characters 

I did Dressember in December, one of my posts was a picture of me playing tennis the caption being “ dressember day 11 this is probably 1 of the best dressember photos I have, I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome  which leaves me wheelchair bound most of the time so being able to play bat & ball was a really big deal for me” I didn’t want to make it to long because I felt like I didn’t really need to and no one really wants to read a massive assay on my life whilst scrolling through IG.

My post was then commented on by 1 of the organisers and re posted on the Dressember  their caption on the repost was “Out inspiration today comes from @blue.ayed.swan_ for how she is using the dressember style challenge to prove to herself that you can do anything in a dress” this will always stick out to me because I was really scared of posting about my illness on my fan account I’m not sure why probably mostly because its a fan account but this made me feel so much better about myself just the fact that people who didn’t even know me seemed to partly understand me & how hard I was trying.

Part of my story was also posted on the Swan princess website in on of there blogs talking about all the art and lyric videos I was making, this gave me a lot of confidence that I didn’t have before ,encouraged me to keep going and gave me a sense of pride that I really didn’t have before. I struggle with confidence a great deal but this really did boost me up

When anyone comments on any of my edits it gives me such a boost, just to feel people are enjoying them means the world especially when they have taken a really long time to make.

I’m completely obsessed with fairytales/fantasy stories which hasn’t helped a great deal in one way but in another its been such a blessing. I began to watch Once upon a time about a year and a half ago, its made me laugh & cry so much but given me so much hope for my own life. Especially the character of Emma, Emma lives half her life alone with hardly anyone around her Henry finds her then brings her to Storybrooke where she finds her family but also realizes she’s a hero which is something she struggles to except. At the start of the show Emma has no confidence at all but she starts to believe in herself  by the end of series 6 she’s married pregnant and she knows who she is and has finally stopped being scared of it. Another once character who is one of my favourite’s is Regina/the evil queen . Regina finds a way to except and make up for her past mistakes

I mostly watch Children’s T.V including Hetty Feather, The worst Witch, the dumping ground and various others when they happen to be on being ill has made me more emotional as a person I also now get stressed a lot more easily so the only half dramatic shows I can watch are ones made for children as I can cope with the drama elements and they don’t effect me to much if at all. I also love watching anything with Dominic Littlewood that man has been through this journey with me yet we haven’t ever met his shows have kept me sane and weirdly given me a education even if its not the curriculum. Its still been learning. At Christmas I watched a lot of cooking shows or factory shows showing you how things are made which I also really loved. I also watched every series of Miranda which I really enjoyed.

Lately I’ve been trying to watch all the old classic Disney films, I watched a documentary on Walt Disney and it was interesting hearing about all the old stuff that I don’t really remember because I watched them so young, this makes resting (the thing I hate most) interesting. Most of them are so clever to their time  especially Mary Poppins with the animation within the real images, it wasn’t the greatest animation but for that time it was pretty amazing.

I spend hours listening to T.V and film sountracks,they make me so happy and just music in general I tend to listen to the same things over and over but I really love 5SOS and they make me laugh so much which makes me forget everything that’s going on.

Recovery & food

This seems like a really stupid thing to making a blog post on but if you know me well enough you will know about my love for food.

I can't get out or walk around alot,I will admit I eat alot especially when I'm not feeling well or feeling upset anyway the year before last I got diagnosed as pre diabetic it scared everyone including me unfortunately this was also just before Christmas so all the Christmas chocolate was on the shelves I honestly thought my life was over junk food was one of my only comforts on bad days (it sounds dumb but it was true)

It also made me feel like I was fat, I am compared to most people but that's not from choice that's from not being able to exercise & the steroids I take daily making me look puffy (especially in the face) but that doesn’t help when you are already not that confident & I'd never really thought about it before then. I know it now but I don't really care that much as I am doing everything I can possibly do & I know I can't do anymore than I already am.

I tried eating healthy & if I'm honest I didn't think my diet was that awful even though it probably was at the time.
Salads to me sounded very boring to me a salad is just cucumber tomatoes & lettuce but you can make them interesting & I do eat quite alot of salad & fruit now or at least I try to some days it just does not  happen.

I struggle most with sugar as I'm always so exhausted & sugar is a quick fix for my problem to be honest I think that's how I ended up with the pre diabetes, that along with not being able to move around much or get out.

I can't get most of my tablets because they are all replacing things I don't have in my body but I can get off my diabetic medication which I plan to do although it's gonna take alot of perseverance as I know I still don't eat the best sometimes but I have learnt that nothing is going to make a gigantically bad impact in small amounts & that I probably small doses of bad stuff anyway so I don’t worry a much as I used to but its been a big part of my life the past year or so. 

How social media has helped with my recovery

I have a lot of online friends, I have more online friends than I have friends that I could meet up with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis as most of my internet friends live in different countries. I really want to meet them at some point but at this current time it is pretty impossible. I also have internet friends who do live more locally but again I cant really travel, any travelling of any sort would have to be well thought out with tons of preparation even if it was only a few hours away.

Although I may never get to meet some of these friends or may spend little time with them I feel very lucky to have them in my life & to be able to share my experiences with them as most of them also suffer chronic illnesses or health conditions. People always tell you not to talk to strangers online because they could be creeps, this is true  you do need to be extremely careful but for someone  who can’t get out being able to talk to people even if you cant see them makes a huge positive impact.

Social media has given me a platform where I don’t feel so alone, I can see others going through the same as me & it makes me feel a lot less isolated I got to a point where I felt like none at all understood me and that no one felt the same so I created a chronic illness instagram account this has really helped me except that I am ill and that it doesn’t have to be all bad.

Seeing others posts allows me to see what has worked for them but also allows me to give advice to others as well as receiving it, this makes me feel sort of useful, I’m also currently trying to get involved in as many chronic illness projects as I can,Ive just finished writing a piece for a book a chronic illness website is putting together. This website isn’t finished yet but seeing it all come together really excites me, there plan is to create online groups within the website that you can join, I’m not currently really apart of anything because I can hardly get out but this is going to give me a chance to talk to more people, make more friends, feel even less isolated and hopefully work with some of these people on projects or listen to their stories making me able to write stories about chronic illness that are more accurate to real life.

Support groups/ websites are really helpful and useful to a lot of people for many reasons but I do really feel that without them mentally I would definitely be in much worse place.   

Having some sort of idea of these peoples stories gives me more hope for my own,Ive said it before but at some point I would love to write other peoples stories either as real stories or use them in fictional ones. It’s made me be more open about my struggles and less scared of them.

I would also like to shout out all my fandom friends who have also been so sweet and supportive and seem to understand me when I explain what is going on in my life. All the people who have messaged me or commented on things when I’m sharing my struggles or achievements and for constantly being there but also for being friends that the reason we are friends isn’t because of illness but because we share the same interests, being able to have something else to focus on & talk about works great as a distraction so having this is really good for me,I don’t open up to a lot of people especially if they aren’t facing the same or similar things but you guys have been really good to me you’re family.

If any of my online friends are reading this weather you be from a chronic illness page or a fandom friend first off I love you more than you could ever know, thank you for cheering me on from afar, thank you for being some of the only people who ask after me and for being their. I hope if we haven’t met that one day we do get to meet. I also hope that if we have met that we get to spend more time together one day, probably when I’m more awake so I don’t fall asleep in your presence. I hope I have been able to lift you up as much as you have me, if I haven’t I hope one day I do.

Emotions during reccovery

I didn’t plan anything like this going into this series but the other day I ended up crying my eyes out when everyone’s social media posts just got to much.

I’ve always been a very emotional person but I’ve never been the best at letting out properly I think that’s why I try & write alot because I get so upset & mad writing clears my mind.

But I'm also very black & white even I'll admit that to me what’s right is right & what’s wrong is wrong there’s hardly any in between.

Anything that hurts another person in any way is obviously wrong & I feel very strongly about that I try to understand other peoples views & mostly I can but I also feel other peoples pain very deeply, I’m not saying I can completely feel how they do but I know I definitely feel peoples emotions alot deeper than most people do.

Also I know most people can watch the news & not think about stories hours days or even weeks later I really can't If anyone is reading this they are probably thinking what on earth is she on about & what does this have to do with recovering.

Well I believe that since I have been ill I have become more emotional & stepping into reality has made me more confused than ever. I don't understand most things,Ive also become a fighter so I now want to fight for everything I think is wrong but sometimes that works the other way around & makes me mad.



I think becoming ill has made me realize how unfair everything is I see so many sick people and question why it has to be like that why should innocent people suffer? Why should people have their entire lives taken away from them due to illness or anything & why should anyone live with any illness I can’t do anything about all of this & it makes me so upset

I'm slowly beginning to realize that there isn't anything I can do that will help & if there is I try to do it if I am able.

I want people to stop being so heavy & filling everywhere with depressing news, or pretending they understand how I feel about the world. Reality has made me realize how much the world sucks & not only how unfair my life has been but also the lives of others around me I would prefer to live  in  a make believe world but that also got taken away from me, I still cling onto it as much as possible  but most of the time it proves unsuccessful.



My point is please whilst I’m recovering have a little empathy & compassion have a little faith in me.

I do believe that all these emotions can be used for good but I haven’t worked out how yet but as I'm probably never going to be able to work full time I might try & do some charity work in my spare days so I feel like I'm being of a use and doing some good.

Ilness,reality&love during reccovery

I constantly say I'm done with love , I love with my whole heart & soul or not at all the fact that someone can completely rip your heart apart is something I really can't seem to get my head around I've always been surrounded by love no-one has ever not loved me & that's also my problem with reality my brain tells me that its because I'm sick although I've been ill forever but I'm more ill now & its the fact that that's what in the way i know that's not it & I also know that some people won't tear my heart to shreds or smash it into a million pieces into shards of glass falling into the snow only to be found when someone cuts themselves on one.

I also know that i need to stop being so scared of opening to people, I used to be able to tell everyone anything now I try not to. I’ve also just read that first bit back & even I think I’m quite over dramatic but this is how I feel so I'm going to write it that way.

For months after realizing that no one really cared that much I was watching Good girls revolt, lot of various other things on Sexual assault whilst also reading articles on it & of course you can't escape the news anyway so there was story’s popping up on there, I know things happen but I never took notice of it. I never turned around & thought about what was wrong or payed to much attention to it or to any news but to be truthful I think I wanted people to be evil I wanted a reason to feel more angry & upset than I was

I wanted a reason to still be crying & maybe even a reason to explain to myself why I still felt so sad which is weird because I knew why I was upset I don't think anyone sow that as deeply as I did.

I don't think anyone questioned it & if I'm honest I don't think people really tried to get it which is why I'm writing this so I don't end up looking like a psychopath (pretty sure I sound like one)

I still believe that really romantic love story's do exist, like the ones you see in films or read of in books, even though I might have tried I can't be led to believe that some people aren’t as nice as they seem as I know for a fact there isn’t anything fake about me. I am genuinely as nice as I seem no games played at all, I don't know how to lie I'm a terrible liar.

I know others lie or don't tell you the whole truth until its to late & you’ve already found out from someone else but I do think that I can't be the only person like myself to be alive on earth.

Going back to the reality side of things like I already said I honestly thought that all this rejection was because I was ill, its taken me a awfully long time to get my brain to come around to thinking that’s not the case, people who haven't lived what you have or something similar are not going to understand what you have been through or what you go through daily, for me there was a element of wanting someone to understand & thinking they did so I'd be okay but it was also a mixture of loneliness I think I wanted reminding that I would will be alright & I think I wanted to be convinced that when this was over someone would be there for me.

I convinced myself that not only would I somehow be saved because even if I had problems I'd be happy (not that I wasn't happy) I lived so much in my head &
I’ve fought so hard for everything I have so having to give up a fight made me want to give up everything else. So I did pretty much give up everything else because I couldn't see any point in putting up a fight for anything, to me reality sucked I was gonna be ill forever that was that.

The worst part after realizing all this is that I'd planned out my entire life places I wanted to go, things I wanted to see & so many things I wanted to do & experience to me after realizing I was ill no one of this was possible. I was wrong it is maybe in a completely different way to the way I imagined & with a lot more planning but I do think most things are impossible.

Someone once told me to do what scares me & although

I still struggle believing in myself sometimes &when I feel down I still have problems excepting all this  but after months & months I feel like I'm getting somewhere I'm beginning to except being ill & the fact that its okay because "those who matter don't mind,& those who mind don't matter" I’ve started a chronic illness IG account & joined loads of various FB groups, I’m watching more inspiring things rather than ones I know are gonna hurt cuz as much as I loved GGR I’m so sensitive it made me really angry at the same time.

I’ve also realized that I am recovering & I need to take time out for me, whatever I think I need I should do it, whatever makes me happy I should do it, I was petrified of reality & still kind of am,

Reality right now is being ill but it I can use it for good instead of feeling sorry for myself & I will get better maybe I won't be as independent as others but as long as there’s always someone around to help I'll be okay & all these crazy plans I had whilst living my lied life I can still do them, I thought about that before & started thinking I'd end up doing things alone, I don't have to not if I once again allow myself to let people in & believe that this time it will be okay.

I’ve started to believe again that I can do anything I don't need rescuing I'm not some damsel in distress, I’m not weak, I need my friends & family around me but I cam fight this alone & prove to everyone that it is possible.

I'm not sure all my life plans are completely possible but I'm figuring out a way to do the stuff I want in a way that caters for my disability’s nothings impossible & I'm not DISabled I'm as ABLE as anyone else I just need to do things in a slightly different way.


I have a lot of chronically ill friends who raise up when I need them, people who I will always try to help if I can, I know some amazing people. By standing with them we can make a diffrence,my biggest fear now is rejection but its taught me who I want to be, the people who live lives I need to be more interested in ,people to inspire to be more like. I now know what I need & what I don't & sometimes you have to loose things to get even better things.

Whatever happens I'd like to believe that it will all be okay in the end & if its not okay its not the end.